When One Parent Tries to Push the Other Out: Tactics, Costs, and the Real Impact on Kids

Why this matters

Most children in the U.S. live with two parents, but a large minority do not—and many custody outcomes still leave one parent with clearly less time. In 2022, 70% of children lived with two parents; 27% lived with one parent and 4% with neither, per federal data. Childstats Research consistently shows that ongoing high-conflict between parents—not simply divorce itself—is what drives the worst outcomes for kids. PMC+1

This piece highlights how some parents try to sideline a co-parent, why those tactics erode cooperation and drive up costs, and what the science says about harm to children—short and long term.

The playbook: common tactics used to sideline a co-parent

Parents (of any gender) may attempt to reduce or eliminate the other parent’s role by using:

Allegations deployed as strategy
- Serial or exaggerated accusations timed before hearings or exchanges
- Cross-allegations of “alienation” to discredit a protective parent in abuse cases
- What the research says: in a large study of U.S. cases, mothers alleging father abuse were more likely to lose custody when fathers counter-claimed “alienation.” (Short quote:) “Alienation… doubles that risk.” scholarship.law.gwu.edu
Coercive control outside and inside court
- Interference with contact (no-shows, last-minute cancellations)
- Gatekeeping medical/school info; manipulating schedules
- Using litigation itself as control (constant motions; appeals)
- Evidence shows children exposed to coercive control carry elevated risks of later mental-health problems. News+1
Procedural sandbagging
- Delay tactics (continuances, late evidence dumps)
- Escalating expert processes (custody evaluations, add-on assessments) that drain funds and time
Narrative shaping
- Selective sharing of texts/emails
- Recruiting allies (teachers, relatives) with one-sided accounts
- Using social media to stigmatize the other parent

Important: The term parental alienation is debated in psychology. The American Psychological Association has stated there’s no official syndrome recognized by that name; courts should focus on behaviors and evidence rather than labels. (Short quote:) “There is no evidence within the psychological literature of a diagnosable parental alienation syndrome.” American Psychological Association

How these tactics erode co-parenting (and trust)

Breakdown in communication: Withholding information or weaponizing allegations makes routine decisions (school, health, activities) adversarial.
Loss of goodwill: Each procedural ambush or bad-faith filing teaches the other parent to lawyer-up, not lean-in.
Child’s experience: Kids absorb the conflict. High-conflict divorces are linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even PTSD-like symptoms. (Short quote:) “Children in high-conflict divorces may be at increased risk of PTSD.” PMC

The financial toll on families

Sidelining tactics usually mean more process, more experts, and more hearings:

Custody evaluations: Frequently $5,000 as a baseline per family, with many markets higher; some providers bill by the hour at professional rates. New Beginnings Evaluators+1
Attorney’s fees: Typical ranges for contested custody run from $3,000 to $40,000+, depending on complexity and duration; hourly rates commonly $300–$600 in major markets. JC Law+1
Overall case costs: Many families report totals reaching tens of thousands of dollars when conflict is sustained. CoParenter+1

Delays add up, too. While timelines vary by jurisdiction, even straightforward cases can take months, and contested matters often run 9–18+ months—sometimes longer where backlogs persist. Kirk Drennan Law+1

What it does to children—near term and over time

Short term:

Sleep disturbance, school declines, somatic complaints (headaches, stomach aches)
Loyalty conflicts when children feel pressured to “take sides”
Heightened anxiety when transitions are chaotic or contact is blocked

Long term:

Children from high-conflict separations have elevated risks of internalizing and externalizing problems into adolescence and adulthood. PMC+1
Conversely, rigorous reviews show that shared physical custody (when safe and feasible) is associated with equal or better outcomes for children across many domains—even when parents are not especially friendly. (Short quotes:) “JPC children had better outcomes than SPC… across measures of well-being.” “The advantage held even after controlling for parental conflict.” childrightsngo.com+1
A broad consensus statement from leading scholars likewise concluded courts should not presume against overnight care or shared parenting absent specific safety concerns. 5th Judicial District+1

Voices from the field

False Allegations: “Adversarial child custody battles are fertile ground for the lodging of false allegations of abuse … one parent will make a false allegation of abuse against the other parent as a way of gaining leverage in a court proceeding.”
— Dr. Alan D. Blotcky, “The Weaponization of False Allegations of Abuse” Psychiatric Times
Clinical findings on conflict: Meta-analyses tie interparental conflict to worse child adjustment; the pathway is not divorce per se but exposure to chronic hostility and poor co-parenting. ScienceDirect

Red flags: behaviors that may indicate a parent is pushing the other out

Gatekeeping: withholding school/medical info; scheduling conflicts that repeatedly block parenting time
Contact interference: “forgetting” exchanges; engineering activities that overlap the other parent’s time
Narrative control: telling the child the other parent is unsafe without evidence; coaching
Litigation as leverage: frequent ex partes without new facts; expanding evaluations without clinical necessity

What helps (for parents and courts)

For parents

Document behaviors, not labels. Keep a dated log of missed exchanges, messages, and school/medical access issues.
Offer structured solutions (e.g., parenting apps, neutral exchange sites, school-based pickups).
Ask for proportional tools: interim schedules, make-up time, or targeted therapy before broad, costly evaluations.
Avoid escalation in front of children. (It is conflict—not separation—that harms.) PMC

For courts & policymakers

Prioritize child safety and stability over “pro-contact at any cost.” (Recent watchdog findings warn delays and weak safety analysis can put kids at risk.) The Guardian
Use evidence-based frameworks for coercive control and for shared care when safe. ScienceDirect+1
Limit process inflation: cap turnaround times and costs of evaluations; require clear scopes and methodologies. (Typical evaluation fees and hourly rates create access barriers.) New Beginnings Evaluators+1
Tackle delay with active case management; even outside the U.S., backlogs show harms of prolonged uncertainty for children. The Guardian

Balanced Coparenting Initiative